I invite you to come away with me for a moment. To a time when you were a child yourself. The world around you feels a bit bigger. The buildings, the people, the trees. Everything feels much taller than you are. That leaves you feeling, well, rather small.
You don't only feel small when you step outside. You are reminded of your stature when your mom and dad respond to you in phrases like: "I told you so," or "Because I said so," or maybe even worse yet: "None of your business."
You storm up to your room for the hundredth time and plop down on your bed and stare up at the dull ceiling above and wonder, "why isn't it my business?" I have every right to know. I want to know.
Since when did we stop telling our children the truth? We think we are protecting them by not telling them what they most want to know. OR we shush them aside or we don't actively listen to what they have to say. You know. It happens when you are rushing about doing too many things at once, trying to be the superhero mom or superhero dad, cooking dinner or managing that work call when your child comes running at that very moment to tell you something they are all too excited about. All they want is to tell their mum or their dad to listen and join in their excitement.
All you have to do, is turn your attention towards them. But you can't. You are much too focused on managing that blowout on the phone or making sure you don't burn dinner. That is the only thing you WANT to focus on. So, you half listen and you don't give them what they need and want the most. You.
Once in a awhile these moments are just that. Fleeting moments. It's when they begin to add up when it begins to make an impact. Can you imagine what it feels like to not be heard? I know I can. Not just as a child, but also an adult. Think back to the last time you tried to communicate something to your partner, and for whatever reason they just did not seem to hear you. Remember how frustrated you felt? Think back to the last time when you felt over the moon excited. Who did you want to share that news with? And when you told that person were you met with an open heart or a closed door?
These moments matter. When your child has a bad day and comes to you to confide in and you aren't there. They don't remember how amazing your dinner tasted that night. They remember that you weren't present for them when they needed you the most.
We hear all the time how resilient children are. Kids bounce back. While that may be true I invite you to look at your childhood. While you may you remember the good times and positive memories surely you also remember the times that hurt the most as well. Presence starts with us. It's tricky. You want to be present in w hat you're doing. You want to cook a delicious dinner. You want to be able to finish your work call and then spend time with your family.
It's important to be patient, not only with our children but with ourselves. When these moments arise and your little ones come running to you for validation or a listening ear, instead of pretending or only giving them half of your attention it's much better to just briefly stop what you are doing. Look them straight in the eyes and say, "Darling, just give me a few moments because I really want to pay attention to what you are saying, but presently I am _____. If you would allow me just a few moments, I will finish _____ and then I can come sit with you and you may tell me all about it."
Let's be better than what we experienced in every way.