What's wrong with saying "good job" to my kids? You may be asking. Isn't all praise positive?
It seems logical that praise would encourage self esteem. But the truth is that some praise actually inhibits a child's self-esteem and self assuredness. Let's explore.
Giving too much value judgement praise teaches your child that "good" equals pleasing others, and "bad" equals disappointing them. Children are very simplistic. Using phrases like "you are such a good girl for doing that," or "what a good job," suggest to children that they are good for doing what they are told. By natural extension of this, they then come to believe that they are bad if they make a mistake, or do not complete the task that a grown up is asking of them.
Praise that focuses on how YOU feel about your child's work, action, or performance leads your child to seek approval. We are inadvertently raising little people pleasers when we use the phrases like "great job, I love it so much." Your child may become more focused on receiving more praise each time from you, just for the sake of praise. When we use sentences like the above with our child, what we are really saying is "I like it when you please me."
Using blanketed statements of praise are not offering any beneficial feedback to our children. What is a good job? What does good work really look like? Our child has no room to decide for themselves the measure of their work.
We want to instead raise children that are confident about their work, and do not need to seek outside praise from us or anyone else when it comes to their effort and performance. Children want to be seen, not judged. Think of the last time your child came to you saying "look at me, look at me!" Instead of saying "Look at you climbing so high," you say, "good job honey"- and you have just judged her act instead of describing it. As she ages, "watch me," turns into "did I do this right?"
So what do we do instead?
The first step is to notice your child. Use phrases like, "I noticed you," or "Look at you!" or "You did it!"
The next step is to describe exactly what you see. (This is another great tool for conflict resolution, to describe what you see, hear, and feel! More on that later.) Be specific in your description, and try to describe characterisicts, attributes, strengths and values you see or want to see more of in your children.
Add "good job," or "good work," at the end of your phrase if necessary. This is optional only, and offered because this is often a hard habit for parents and caregivers to break!
Here are some examples:
Instead of: Good job honey.
Say: I noticed that you finished all of your homework before dinner. That took dedication and determination. Good work.
Instead of: What a good girl you are, using your spoon!
Say: You used your spoon! And the food went right into your mouth, yum!
"Look at you, climbing the tree so high! You are so strong."
"I noticed that you held the door open for that stranger. That was very kind."
"You shared your lunch with your brother. That was very thoughtful."
When you can praise them in public that is wonderful too. Alfie Kohn wrote a helpful article back in 2001 that addresses this issue for adults as well.
What do you think? Is this a phrase you use often or try to use less of?