PPD isn't pretty. As a new mom it's essential to be aware of the symptoms of postpartum depression and to have a plan of action before baby arrives.
It is said that 1 in every 7 women will experience postpartum depression. You may be at a higher risk for PPD if you have experienced depression or anxiety in the past or have a prior mental health diagnosis.
PPD is not just the "baby blues," or a brief feeling of uncertainty, unsettledness or anxiety upon bringing your new baby home. Postpartum depression is deeper. Longer. Often darker.
I have dealt with anxiety and depression since I was 16. Some years have been worse than others, but knowing this while I was pregnant I began anticipating a very dark postpartum depression period. The first three months after giving birth were very intense and difficult. In those first months I didn't feel much like a human at all; rather I felt solely like I was a milk machine. Like I gave up my humanness in exchange for becoming a robot whose sole job was to keep this tiny human alive. I had no other jobs. It wasn't my job to eat properly, to cook, certainly not my job to clean. No. The only thing I could put my focus on was keeping her alive, fed, warm, and comfortable.
When I finally emerged from that robotic like feeling, I did begin to feel a bit more human. The thoughts that I had in the beginning that were filled with darkness and loathing which lingered heavily slowly began to abate. No longer did I wonder why I even chose to have a child in the first place. Me, a single mum, just out of an abusive relationship.
I stopped fantasizing about how she would be better off with another parent, or how I should have placed her up for adoption.
I spoke to my doctor before having my daughter and we talked about utilising a low dose antidepressant. It's important to talk to your doctor or healthcare provider about this. As my doctor put it, we had to weigh the potential outcomes. I was determined to also do my best to avoid any pitfalls by trying to manage my stress levels myself by exercising in the first trimester, getting sunshine daily, doing red light therapy, and eating well. I wanted to lower my risk as much as possible along with the use of medication.
The biggest lesson of all and what I want to impart in this post is the importance of asking for help. I cannot stress this enough. As a new mom we often feel very alone. We don't recognise our new bodies, our new selves. We may feel lost or like we don't know who we are anymore. You may feel robotic or inhuman like I did. These are normal feelings. It is so important to ask for that help when you know you need it, and when you know you can't go on anymore.
Start taking people up on the offers they give to help you. Lean on those closest to you. And don't be afraid to reach out to strangers. Join a moms support group. Get on facebook and ask for what you need. Be open and honest about what you are going through- because I guaranteed someone else has also felt something similar.
www.maternalmentalhealthnow.org is a great organisation to start with. Don't think you are ever alone in this. You aren't.